


Sounds good, feels good. But I don't.

by aemsz



Series: words we shouldn't leave unsaid [2]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Character Death, F/M, Flashbacks, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lovers?, MIGHT BE TRIGGERING, Self-Hatred, even I was sad for Cal, its hellah sad for Calum, or note, soulmates?, suicide letter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-12
Updated: 2016-02-01
Packaged: 2018-05-13 12:01:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5706961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aemsz/pseuds/aemsz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Calum his best friend commits suicide.</p>
<p>The story looks back on those precious moments in the past and those heartbreaking moments in the future.</p>
<p>We dive right in.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the note.

**Author's Note:**

> May be triggering.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The suicide letter Calum receives. I said we'd dive write in didn't I?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can be triggering!

Hey Cal ;)

I know it has been a while and I know it is weird to even send a letter, but it has been a while and I thought you'd appreciate a letter. You've always kind of been that way haven't you? I've only known you for a few years now, but you always seem to appreciate the simplicity of things, taking things back to when it was easier. 

Taking things back to when it was easier, it sounds so simple. But we both know it isn't that easy. The world expects so much of us, the next generation. They expect us to change the world, make it better. But Cal, how can we make it better when they poison us? They poison our minds and steal away our authenticity. Will we be able to save this world we are living in? I'm scared of this world. People turn on each other. People are getting killed like it is nothing. Whole populations flee their countries. You can't like who you like, you can't wear what you want to wear, you can't study what you want to study. You can't believe in what you want to believe. You can't stand out. You can't BE who you want to BE. 

Trying to be who you want to be has consequences you know? I guess it depends on who you want to be and it depends on your environment. You turned out fine, I'm so proud of you. You've grown up so beautifully, but I knew you would. You know people can have other intentions then they said they had? I know. You know that when you drink to much, people can take advantage of your drunk state? I know. You know it is not safe to walk alone at night? I know. 

I guess I'm writing you to congratulate you on the album. I've seen and heard your interviews. I love hearing you talk I guess. Your goal was to talk about real issues in this album, to reach to the people of our generation. Goal reached my friend. I cried listening to it for the first time (and every other time to be honest). Pretending 'catch fire' was written for me. Maybe you could change my mind, but I won't let you. That is the real reason why I sent you a letter. Don't drown yourself in the possibilities of 'safety pin', please. I guess you might think of me from now on when you hear 'castaway'. I know you, I know you will. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I won't leave you with nothing but pictureframes. You know that one picture at the beach of us two together? The one Ash took? It is from two years back I think. I love that picture. There is so much happiness in that picture. Is it weird to relate to 'Broken home' so much? I didn't really have a broken home. They might have kicked me out as soon as I turned 18, but before that it was all fine at home. It was my fault that I got kicked out anyway. Did I tell you that I got kicked out of the house the day after my 18th birthday? It might have slipped my mind to tell you... This will not slip my mind though: You and Michael are bloody brilliant for writing 'Jet Black Heart'. It is absolutely beautiful, I can't wrap my mind around it. It is a masterpiece mr. Hood, the whole album is. As you might guess by now, invisible hit me hard. I'm listening to it now, on repeat. I know this song is special to you. It now is to me aswell. Will you keep me as a memory, please? I'm fading away from existence. I feel so invisible, even to myself. Please don't let me fade from your memories. I know that is selfish to ask, I'm sorry. 

I tried to be who I want to be. You know who I am right? That's why I always feel safe by your side, but you're so far away now. Living the life that you were destined to live. I am sure of it.  
I tried to be a writer once, maybe another reason for me writing this letter. There will be a package delivered to you. It is my notebook. You gave it to me once. Said it suited my eyes. I think it may be my most cherished possession. It is filled with my thoughts. Words written down in poems, in songs, in sentences that lost their context. Maybe you can give them context? 

I love you, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me in my whole entire life, and I can say that now. What we were is something I never quite knew how to describe. Were we best friends? Siblings without being related? Maybe you were the love of my life. Maybe we're soulmates. I hope not. Oh god I hope not. I know this sounds weird, but lets take it figuratively, I couldn't live with myself if we are soulmates. Taking that away from you. But if we are, our souls will meet again. When it is better.

Hey Calum, carry on, you know it's gonna get better.  
I love you,  
Annabeth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost cried, writing this. Reading it back is hard, I actually feel sad for Calum :s
> 
> Kind of proud of this one.
> 
>  
> 
> BONUS: 'NOTEBOOK: Annabeth Bailey Benson Hood (maybe one day baby)'
> 
> "Sold my soul to the devil, didn't feel like it belonged to me anyway"
> 
> "Gravity is meant to bring you down,  
> But now is see,  
> It’s not the only thing that brings you to the ground  
> And suddenly,  
> Everything falls faster than it should  
> And suddenly,  
> All is gone and nothing understood"


	2. prequel/flashback 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A flashback to 2 years ago, to the blue notebook.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They swear a bit, but hey... that keeps it believable
> 
> I felt like the story wasn't finished and needed more.

Calum POV

'I know I said it would be perfect for her, but that doesn't mean I have to buy it for her Ash! It isn't even Christmas or her birthday or whatever.' Ashton sighed, 'CALUM, we have been standing here for almost half an hour now. Buy the damn notebook. You have seriously given me 16 reasons why you should buy it and it is just a notebook. When you can think of 16 reasons to buy someone a fucking notebook, you buy them the fucking notebook.' I hesitantly stepped back from the notebook. It is weird to buy ~~a girl~~  someone a gift out of the blue. What was I even thinking, it is just a boring notebook. Who even buys someone a notebook? 'Yes Ashton, I can hear your sighs. Let's go'. I glanced back one time. 'Ashton it is unbelievable, it is exactly the same colour as her eyes and the little quote on the back, it's something she would write. Even the handwriting looks like hers. And the little watermark. Did you see that? It's a gardenia, her favorite flower.' So many coincidences, even the cover feels as soft as her, but let's not tell  ~~anyone~~ Ashton that. Ashton grabbed the notebook and put it on the counter, 'He'll pay', he said pointing at me. 

'Thanks', I said to Ashton as we left the store. Too bad I will only see her in two weeks. I can't wait to give her the notebook. It's stupid really. I haven't even seen her in 2 months  ~~and 4 days~~. I met her a few years ago on the beach near Los Angeles. Me and the boys only had two more weeks left of our trip to L.A, but Annabeth and I were inseparable in those two weeks. It was like we had the same spirit. So, after those two weeks we became Skype buddies and every once in a while we would visit each other. I talk to her almost everyday and miss her everyday. I don't think of the 'what could have beens', because it is too complicated. It now is a year later and I have just spend half an hour debating whether or not to  buy her a notebook, it still is complicated...

 

○○○○○○two weeks later○○○○○○

Annabeth and I are sitting on the hotel bed. She finally came to visit me again after two months  ~~and two weeks and 3 days~~. Whenever she visits we share a hotel room so we have the whole night to catch up. It also means I don't sleep much. I only sleep when she puts me to bed. Always being responsible. Always saying I have better things to worry about then her. She is 18 now, so she says she has to be wise now. She even appears more adult than the last time I saw here. She laughs every time I say so, 'It all comes with age Cal'. It doesn't. I live with Ashton so I know and I can't imagine Michael turning into an adult this year. It is quite terrifying to be honest. I tell her that every time. She tells me how much she has missed me. Right now it is a 2 a.m and we are talking about the difference between sport in the US and Australia. A subject we always discuss and will keep discussing until we are old and grey I think. It always ends with someone using 'the song'. Half a year in our long-distance friendship we claimed Star Girl by McFly as our song. Now everytime we want to change a subject, don't feel comfortable talking or want distraction one of us puts it on. Like now.  I think of the quote on the back of the notebook 'Sometimes we are like stars. We fall so someone's wish can come true.' I roll off the bed and reach out to my suitcase. It is now or never. Why is my heart even beating so fast. Calum, don't be an idiot it is just a notebook. 

When I jump in bed again, Ann is looking at me expectingly, confusion in her ~~beautiful~~  eyes. 'Calum, why are you nervous?', damn she always knows what I feel, but she stays a blank canvas to me. 'It's nothing, just saw this notebook in a store a while ago and it reminded me of you', I shrugged and gave her the notebook. I even let her name be engraved in it at the store with a little addition. 'Annabeth Bailey Benson Hood' was engraved on the cover in beautiful letters. In small letters another addition was engraved 'maybe one day baby'. We always joke about feeling like siblings, friends always joke about us being an old married couple. Maybe we will be one day. I don't know. She follows the letters with her fingers, 'why?'. I can barely hear her. Her voice shakes. Oh God.  I messed up. Why? I don't know why. Why would I buy her this. I mean I know why: because you love writing, because of the flowers, because of the quotes, because of the touch, because of the.. 'Cal? Are you still here? Why did you think of me?', she waves at me with the notebook. Tears in her  ~~big beautiful blue, ocean blue~~ eyes. 'Oh sorry, it has the same colour as your eyes.' I try to sound nonchalant, but she probably knows what I feel anyway. Now I'm the one looking up expectingly. 'I love it, it is beautiful. Thank you so much', she engulfs me in a hug. 'Oh my God.  Don't scare me like that. I thought you hated it.' I squeezed her tight. 'Haha sorry bud, I am just being a girl about it. Can't help it. Thank you very much. Love you, it is beautiful.'  ~~I love you too.~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More prequels? Flash forward?

**Author's Note:**

> Comments? Talk to me? Ideas? Suggestions?
> 
> Come talk to me on tumblr!  
> aems -sos.tumblr.com


End file.
